Week 9: Communication & Problem Solving

    Have you ever struggled when it's time to make a big decision? Especially when that decision impacts more than just yourself? I'm not talking about what to make for dinner, although to some that may seem like an outstanding obstacle. In fact, I am talking about decision making that includes others. What is it that makes it so difficult? I think more often than not, we can chalk it up to communication, or lack there of. This week we learned about forms of communication, the advantages and challenges that come with each one, as well as ways to effectively communicate. Brother Williams shared with us, "5 Secrets of Effective Communication" that I am excited to share on this post, along with other insights and guidance!

    I don't know about you, but from my personal experience, those who have struggles in their relationships, whatever they may be. usually all relate it back to poor communication or no communication at all. Why is that? Well, from what I have been studying and discussing this week, it all comes down to differences and maybe even technology. You might be thinking, "well this ought to be good" or "what a bunch of bologna," but before you stop reading lets consider the advantages and disadvantages of technology use in communication.

    Advantages:

    The technology we have access to today is incredible! Things I would never be able to think up or dream up are at our very finger tips. What used to be a 40 lb machine used to compute, is now a seemingly weightless device that fits in our pockets. We are able to make instant connection with others through phone calls, text messages, FaceTime/video chat, etc. There are so many applications we can download to track the memories with our loved ones, and watch them over and over again! It is such a convenience to have so much technology within our reach. 

    Disadvantages:

    With new tools and technology we receive, there are great advancements that bring along their own set of challenges. So often, in trying to communicate via text message, email, chat or whatever it may be-- things can be easily misinterpreted. Something seemingly harmless and playful can all of a sudden cause someone to never speak to them again. Living in a virtual world may allow us instant communication, but at what cost? Many in the rising generation have already developing phobias of face to face interactions. They are losing the ability to interact in person in meaningful ways. Many individuals are content in isolation, disregarding the happening world around them. How scary! The rising generation needs to develop skills and abilities such as effective communication, to take care of this world once the older generation has passed. We also know that use with technology can limit the amount of connections we are able to make, as well as increase depression and anxiety. How? Well, as we become consumed with a world of technology, videos, snapchats, instagram, facebook, video games, and all the trending medias, we have all the connections we could ever want in the comfort of our own home (or bed). The necessity of real human interaction is limited and we forget how to act and treat others. Back to social media. Often times, what we see on social media can be disingenuous. We end up comparing a more or less accurate idea of our life, to an idealized picture or another's life. This is so dangerous and can lead many to that depressive and anxious state I mentioned above.

    I want to be unbiased, because I know that technology is a blessing in my life but I absolutely recognize all the harm it has and can cause. Communication is failing. Personally, I attribute a lot of that to the use of technology and how it takes away from developmental skills and problem solving. It is harder for people to express what their thoughts and feelings are, they expect others to just know! If someone doesn't understand, there is an argument or a falling out and soon there is no more communication because they were "too different." Media, in all forms, teaches us things that are easy. It's easy to avoid eye contact, it's easy to stay disengaged from talking to a stranger, it's easy to use the internet for confrontation, it's easy to make your life seem perfect in pictures. It's hard to face reality, it's hard to say I'm sorry, it's hard to understand a different point of view. Effective communication is difficult and takes work, but it is something I believe will make or break any relationship.

    I am sharing a list of the 5 Secrets of Effective Communication. These are intentional forms of communication, rather than easy. Easy isn't going to cut it with important relationships.

1. Disarming Technique: Find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems totally unreasonable (kernels of truth)

2. Empathy: Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to see the world through his or her eyes

- thought empathy: Paraphrase the other persons words

- feeling empathy: Acknowledge hoe the other person is probably feeling based on what she or he said

3. Inquiry: Ask, gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking and feeling

4. "I Feel" Statements: Express your own ideas and feelings in a direct, tactful manner. Use "I feel" statements, such as "i feel upset," rather than "you" statements, such as "you're wrong!" or "You're making me furious!"

5. Stroking: Convey an attitude of respect, even if you feel frustrated or angry with the other person. Find something genuinely positive to say to the other person, even in the heat of the battle.

    I am making it an effort to apply these "secrets" in my life with those closest to me. The last thing I want to address is decision making, primarily from a gospel perspective. It can be a real challenge for two or more people to make a decision together. It could be that they just want the other person to be happy, they are indifferent, they feel strongly and don't want compromise, etc. However, those responses aren't good enough. We all need to be willing to put in the time and work necessary to come to a consensus about important decisions. In class Brother Williams shared touching stories about times when he had important decisions to make with others, and how they came to those decisions. What most impressed me was the way in which he sought direction. For members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, receiving revelation is not a foreign concept. Revelation is the communication between God and His children. We believe that God does speak to us, individually and intentionally. For those that may be less familiar with this concept, I will share with you the steps he took and continues taking when faced with hard choices to make.

1. He determines what the decision/choice is about. (Moving, what to study, where to live, when to have kids, etc.)

2. Discuss with significant other or person with whom the decision is effecting; come up with options and plans

3. Set aside specific time to find an answer

4. Say something kind about each other

5. Kneel down and offer a prayer sharing with Heavenly Father the ideas and plans you have considered as well as what you think He may want for you. Ask for guidance through out the conversation

6. Think. What do we think Heavenly Father wants us to do? Not us, Him.

7. Discuss consensus 

8. Pray to confirm feelings

    This might seem silly, but Brother Williams has proven this to work, not just in his life but in some of his clients as well. He explained to us that having a 50/50 partnership is the most unusual thing in the world. It doesn't always work effectively in the business world, one person needs to have more say than the other when it comes to tough decisions. However, the only way for a relationship such as marriage, to be happy and successful it by having a 50/50 partnership. It will require time, it will require effort, but it will be well worth it. Compromise is not always the answer, there is a way for both parties to be happy. If we seek the Lord's will above all else, acknowledging that He knows what is best for us, despite what we may want-- it will all work out. It's no longer his or her idea, but God's will and guiding influence. It takes the pride out of the equation. My husband and I got into a disagreement this week. It was after this class. We had a few big decisions to make and quickly. We had been discussing things for weeks and decided to follow these steps. I have never felt an answer come so quickly and so clearly. I was able to set aside my will and my hopes and fears, and focus on what Heavenly Father wanted for our little family. 

Communication is key for success. That's all folks.